Bryan’s Place

Hello. . . Aragorn.

Uh. . . Hello.

I come bearing gifts for your mighty quest. . .

OK. . . What?

I come bearing gifts for your mighty quest. . .!

. . . .

. . . Mighty gifts for quest-bearing! . . .

WTF?

Just wait, I’m rolling the treasure! . . .

Just fucking pick something!

Right, right. OK. Let me think. Yeah.

Screw this, next week Bill DMs!

Fuck that, finals are next week.

Well Steve can’t even fucking read a treasure table!

You are the one who wanted this fucking side-quest, retard!

Yeah, like you wanted to do that shitty halfling adventure so bad instead. We didn’t kill anything the whole fucking night!

You can get XPs other ways! Role-play, fuckstain!

SHUT THE FUCK UP!

….

….

I’ve got it now. . .

Elrond hands you a +2 Longsword.

….

What in the shit am I supposed to do with that?

. . . The fuck? I’m giving you a longsword!

. . . I’m a ranger.

So?

I’m Dex-based. Weapon Finesse doesn’t work with a longsword. Plus it sucks ass for dual-wield.

Tough shit, it’s what I rolled!

Well I’m going to sell it, it’s useless. I say that out loud, too.

. . . .

. . . .

Well what the fu—

The god-damn king of the elves gives you a sword he made himself, for you, and you tell him you are going to fucking pawn it. What the fuck?

Just give it to me, then.

NO! You didn’t do as well in the last session, and elves don’t like dwarves! This is Nick’s reward!

Plus I had to pay to rez you.

We had to rez you like two times before! Cuz like an idiot, you took fucking Plant as favored enemy. A lot of good that’s been!

Look, I’ll just make it a rapier then. . . Asshole.

Make it +3, I already have a Fiery Burst +2. The new one isn’t as good.

Who the hell gave you that?

I rolled him one last time I DM’d.

. . . .

Just re-roll. Christ.

Full Plate +3, then.

I’m a ranger! Read the god-damned book, I can’t use heavy!

You know what, you hear the sound of orcs outside.

Oh, fuck you.